AS SEEN IN THE MARCH/APRIL '07 ISSUE

First off, let me say that I cherish every one of my clients dearly. Some I cherish when they step aboard, and some I cherish when they step off to go home. However, you probably have no idea what charter captains go through during some of these all-inclusive fishing trips. And I dare say that not all charter captains know exactly what I go through to make sure every one of my trips is a success.

What really cooks my goose is that during every trip - good or bad - there is always one person - the amateur comedian - who stands out. For example, before leaving the dock when I remind the group of the cost of the charter, there will always be one guy who says, "Holy Cow! What are you a lawyer?” My answer is always, "No sir, I gave up my legal practice long ago because it didn’t pay enough.”

That sort of reply hasn’t exactly booked me a whole lot of repeat business, but I have gotten my share of strange looks.

Then there is the guy who always has me changing baits or rigs to match what the angler next to him who just reeled in a grunt is using. This guy does not realize that his bait is in the boat more than it is in the water, which is precisely why he is not catching anything in the first place.

Oh yes, how about the unfortunate soul who, through no fault of his own, of course, did not land a single fish all day and who demands a full refund. When I un-bait his hook in preparation of the ride home, I recognize the same piece of bait that I put it on that morning. Bait is like underwear - it needs to be changed frequently. I was under the impression everyone knew this.

I try to explain that this sort of thing happens all the time. Charter fishing is like drawing straws. One person always has to come up short. Sometimes though, disappointed customers can get a bit unruly and even a little embarrassing, so to appease the really upset ones, I offer a “make-up” trip. I take their phone number and tell them I have February 30 wide open.

Most paying charters here on the West Coast want to catch grouper, and on some occasions, we do. But then there are the days when I cannot find even a single one. Hey, King Neptune, I’m not! Upon returning to the dock after one such trip, one of the customers handed me a set of GPS coordinates instead of a gratuity. He swore that the numbers were “Hot” for a whole variety of species and even a few lobsters. I must have thanked him a hundred times. When I plugged the coordinates into my handheld GPS, I found that they were to a local seafood market.
Of course, a charter would not be complete without the clown who does not believe he is fishing unless he is completely inebriated. This is the guy who ends up spending more time at the cooler than at the rail, and he pours more beer in the drink than in his mouth. Of course, he is supplying free chum, sort of, so I guess I really can’t complain.

How about the client who spends his whole day rocked up in the reef or rubble? If anyone tells him it is not a fish, he will argue to the death. He swears he’s hooked a big gag grouper, no doubt about it. Of course, the big grouper hasn’t moved an inch in ten minutes. I always remind him that we are more than 40 miles from port, and if he pulls the drain plug out of the bottom, we will all have a long walk home. Usually everyone laughs but him.

Nothing beats the guy who is superstitious. I don’t believe fishing luck has anything to do with superstition - knock on wood. This guy has a lucky hat or lucky shirt, and may even have some sort of strange ritual or fish dance. I have yet to see any of them work. Of course, my lucky hat and shirt - the ones with my boat’s name on them - are different. I wouldn’t dream of heading out on the water without them!

Not during every trip, but often enough, there is the retired military man who has spent a hundred years in the Navy. This same guy is always falling down. I have not spent a single day in the Navy, but I know enough to sit down and hold on tight when a boat is pounding across choppy seas at nearly 40 mph!

Every angler has been on a trip when he cannot get a single mosquito to bite, much less the fish to bite. Charter captains are not exempt; after all, we’re just human, sort of. Heading back to port on such strike-out days can be most uncomfortable. Not a single word is spoken for the entire ride, and when I ease up to the dock, the only voices I hear are those of other boaters arguing over who is first in line to haul their boat out of the water. After tying up at the ramp, my frustrated anglers immediately grab their gear and head straight for their vehicles. I try to break the ice by saying, "Hey guys, how about the rest of my fare?”

One angry angler has to, just has to, blurt out some sort of sarcastic obscenity. One guy really took the cake. He pulled the money from his pocket, threw it into the water and shouted, "I hope you’re better at catching cash than you are at catching fish, or you may starve.”

Take it from me; there is no hope of saving your dignity after an outburst like that. You might as well cannonball off the dock and grab your dough before it floats away. That’s what I did, anyway.

I would love to tell you more, but there is just no time. I have to go get ready for tomorrow’s trip. Maybe I will get very lucky and get the guy who can’t stop quoting scenes from Jaws or The Perfect Storm all day. He is my favorite.

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